Last blog, I opened with a body sensation report. I think I will do that again. Maybe as you read, you can check in with your body too. I feel stiff and achey a little in my back but my heart space feels cool. My emotional body is recovering and my physical body will follow suit. It's been a stressful month or so for ya boi! I apologize for the late post.
I want to continue exploring the contrast between living in fear and living in love. How do we know which we are doing? How can we control it? Can we? Our environment is quite unnatural and oppressive.
I suppose I have been doing a lot of shadow work around feeling safe to desire. You know, last time we talked there was that baby bird feeling. Taking first flight again, just like a child I do not retain any memories of past pain. I do not remember that I can fall and get hurt until I do. It's always painful. In exploring my authentic desires, I realize before I can really even gratify those or attempt to, I've got to deal with everything im standin in that I don't want. That is an important step. Grieving the stuff I built maybe, that wasn't really for me. But for the mask I built. Even breaking my relationship with my mask, ending it, was--is a hard thing.
I think doing this has really opened me up to help me receive more love. Im at the part of reparenting myself, where, maybe my inner teen knows what he needs now. I love my friends so much. They are truly my angels. A dream! For real!
Releasing things back into the da though? That shit is not easy but believe me the da will always come in like tide to shore. Restore blessings & take away what we don't need anymore. That's just the way. And I've really got to accept this. In times when I cannot I throw myself into disharmony and disconnection. I don't like that space. Letting go of places, events I thought would define me forever, people I would always love and have around, it's hard. I've been weeping a lot. It's okay to cry though. I promise it's like, the more I release. The more I attract the things my heart really wants. Dreams I dreamt before the Very Bad Thing Happened™️, literal prophecies I wrote in songs all coming together now. Like a baby being born. A world being made. I need you all to know how important, how vital facing your pain is to your success. bell hooks in all about love, writes that if we do not do this process efficiently, and continue this work through out our lives our suppressed pain and trauma reactions will eventually cause us to act out undermine our success in really detrimental ways. We see that all the time. I don't wanna see it for myself or for you!
So where am I ? On the path of desire ? I suppose I am making a home on this little river. It's a warm day. There are willow and wisteria trees by the bank and breeze feels like a lovers hand against your cheeks. The water is calm and steady. The boat is comfortable. It's clicking for me now, when you engage with your desires you create opportunity for soul growth. This IS how you love yourself my friends. Lots of us are still learning how to do this safely for ourselves and that is okay. I'm hoping my sharing my poetry, experiences/thoughts and prompts can aide that journey for my readers. We cannot always prevent harm or danger and that is really fuckin unfortunate. I am really angry about that all the time. But, that doesn't mean we should give up on creating a life ripe with true love and healthy pleasure and real justice. There is no love without justice. My last shared poem expresses high hopes and deep sorrow around longing for freedom and safety and love. I get so discouraged sometimes but, I do my best to stay brave in birthing that world for myself and anyone else who needs it. Ultimately that's where the Path to Penthos should lead all of us, to DreamLand. :)
So! This months Soft Palette poem was selected by my sweet Twitter homies!! I asked folks to choose a poem based on excerpts I shared between four poems. This one is actually a song, and I didn't realize that when I posted. So, as a thank you for leading me back to this part of myself. It'll be on the EP and maybe now it'll feel finished. It's crazy...I don't actually remember writing this. Must've been Ino. It's a story about the ⚠️trigger warning s/a ⚠️
death I had to bare inside my body after I was assaulted. That was three--no four years ago now and I realize all the time how deeply that impacted me how much it regressed my healing from childhood trauma and addiction. The like, deep and sometimes ravenous spiritual hunger it created. I have been recovering from that day this whole time. I cannot tell you how fucking good it feels to be this alive and in my body again. He almost took that from me. So many people have tried to, even my own mother and fathers. I've got a lot of rage about that too. But for now (lol) I just want to share two things. Really intimate "proofs" of my recovery. Look at these pieces. The one on the left was in done in 2019 a month or two before my assault. The one on the right I drew in my "how are you feeling today" sketch book January 29, 2023. The piece on the left titled, Holy Sacrifice had been packed away for months, I pulled it out the day I drew the other one. I knew I remembered it from somewhere. I made it back. I'm home.
Somehow, I was meant to be led back to this song today too. I understand so many things now. This will close the EP. It is complete now. Thank you my friends. I love you.
Had a vision of some lovely apparition at my window.
Smiled a haunting smile. Hiked mountain said with my own shadow.
The serpent in the woods, caught in Anansi’s web.
Cried, I’d like to bring to life the love that lives inside my head.
Papa Llegba gimme shelter while I walk among the dead.
Baron Samedi let me rest until the dawn.
Ipen the gate and kiss, sealed my fate. Iris Revived my weary heart.
Under the poppies. Into the light.
You look so lovely. Seven sisters in the sky
The lover the hunter dear Orion
There is no time. Your love is binding
When will you find me? (2x)
Maybe it was me who’s heart was always made of stone. Frozen by my mother I was cursed right to the bone. Father cannot play no more he’s buried deep in grief. He works all day to drink all night. Can’t let him poison me. Brothers teeth and tongue are rotten pierced by memories he lost. I’ll meet your at the crossroads. My soul can pay the cost.
Oh, I almost forgot! The prompt for this month from The Power of Divine Eros: Illuminating the Force of Love in Everyday Life is a music meditation. Listen to "Adagio molto expressivo" from Beethoven's Spring Sonata (Violin Sonata No. 5 in F major, op. 24) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHP9fQvTG7I . Think about how you experience the two loves; that is spiritual and worldy love. If there is discord here, do not feel afraid to sink into that and explore. What is your spiritual hunger about? How can you appease and feed it? How can you free you desires from your past? Don't get lost in hopeless hedonistic consumerism.
Thanks for Readin'