Today, my body feels heavy and slow. But in a good way. In this moment, I don't actually desire anything. Could you imagine that? So often we are propelled by our wantings. Moving from one thing to the next , searching, consuming. We are never full. We never really understand why. We are socialized to stop asking.
So I'm sitting in the stillness and now, now that im aware of how still I am. I feel the impulse to move. To shake loose this sweetness , this contentness. Dive into the doing. Into the making. The earning.
This last month has been such a whirlwind. My inner world is sloshing all over the place! Im spilling out into the world around me. Sometimes gracefully and sometimes clumsily. Each moment is mine and then it's not. Back to the da. The energy of all things.
The da. The da is something I learned about while reading Jambalya by Luisa Teisch. Im learning how to be present AND still. With my desires I think, is what I'm trying to say. The da is everything. It is the universal, elemental energy that holds us all. When I do spiritual work I command the da to bring forth this or that. It made me wonder a lot about the relationship between spirituality and human/fleshy desire. The two worlds we carry in ourselves. Two loves. In Vodou, We trust the da to bring what we need and take what we don't. We understand we share our natural world with it. Magic is easy for me because I understand this concept.
My desires though, much trickier than magic. Much more terrifying than any Lwa or God. Haha. They make me so insecure. There's this big divide in my heart, between what i think I should have, or my place in the world and what it is I truly believe I deserve. I suppose it's that way for lots of us. But what if I think of the man I love like the da. What if I trust that he is a part of me and I am a part of him.
Then what happens? If I trust that he will return the love I need and strip away the things I don't (he does.). If I trust that God can move through this man the same way God (da, nommo) can move through me, then what happens to my fear?
It dissipates, that sweetness comes back. I feel freer. Life is juicier, richer. My senses are more awakened. I eat healthier. I laugh from a deeper place. I have more sex I play and go see more live music. Specifically, Kinfolk and Them (@kinfolkandthem on instagram) shows in Saint Louis, MO . This band man, is really really special. I would be telling a half truth if I didn't share how much this collective has also played a part in my growth in the last month. I believe it was December fourth I took a microdose of mushrooms and went to see this band play.
Very groovy stuff indeed. My inner child felt safe to come out of the basement (more on this next month) and play. I felt safe enough to let my body hold feelings like inspiration, hope, happiness and again, so many desires come bubbling up. If you're ever in the city, try to find one of their events. That collective is full of magicians, healers & alchemists. If you are looking for something to get into this holiday, they've got a show coming up Monday, December 26th @ The Blue Strawberry (STL, MO).
Anyway, Life is playful again. Fear can be a long sleep if we are not careful.
I once heard a song that said "Love is won; when we are bound and still feel free." (love is won. By Lia Ices.)
In a nutshell, in the last month I've come to realize just how much fear interrupts my ability to be still and in love. The poem I've decided to share today is called No Fear, it was written after reading the second chapter of The Power of Divine Eros: Illuminating the Force of Love in Everyday Life , by A.H Almaas & Karen Johnson. As promised I will share the exploration session questions with my readers below.
What are the ways in which you experience your love for the world?
How do you experience your love for spiritual freedom
How do you experience the relationship between these two loves?
(this ones mine) What are you afraid of?
Lastly I leave you with this month's features poem from my book "Soft Pallete". Soft Palette is a collection of poems written while exploring the full spectrum of my emotional body and desires as a black queer non-binary nigga.
I don’t like to think of
World don’t like to think
Sure it can be lonely.
Dream up a place. Inside.
Where my skin is black as
molasses & my veins is
where spirit shine through
like cracks of lava in my
And I got my wings again.
Big blue feathers.
Blood red eyes. Holy
serpent round my neck.
Nobody fear me, in my
Nobody fear me.
I got a tongue
I got a voice that can
alchemize the human soul
and make it free.
I got hands that can bend
the chaos in a madman’s
mind into a home.
My heart don’t carry no
grief and the da is always
there; patient and graceful
in our rhythms.
I become a heavenly body on
Earth and make music
With movement, in no time.
And nobody fear me.
Because I am love.
Thank you for reading.
Here's a little gift, keep a cool head.
Cooling & Cleansing/Grounding Bath.
chamomile, cinnamon, little coffee, florida water and couple pinches of garlic salt. Little lemon.
Love, I N O 🌷