This morning I was doing my own shadow work. I had a nasty thought this morning about being assaulted. I don't like to say "my assault" because it's not mine. It doesn't belong to me it's not a book or a pet. It is a horribly heinous and irrevocably violating crime that was committed against me when I was twenty six.
I've been seeing the angel number 7:11 a lot, angels are telling me there are still a few things I need to release before this years up to make room for the blessings I've been working + praying for. I remembered the rape and this thought followed, "well maybe I deserved it "(because of that one bad thing I did when I was ill and unaware of my shaded and how to soothe it.) Dawg, fucked me up to know that after all this time there was still a part of me that believed I deserved that. I cut the thought off with a swift and maternal "hey! don't say that. Never say that! Why would you say that!" In that moment I realized I shouldn't have thought that, that's true. But I also should NOT have been scolding myself. So instead I asked myself why ? And this began my shadow work for the big release under the last full moon of 2020. I started by doing meditation/yoga while listening to this: https://youtu.be/-3W-pxgOezE
And I asked why, why do we still think this. Because I have been working on this wound for a MINUTE and I thought I was done. Foolish. But here is a little bit of what I discovered/remembered today. I was abused and neglected as a child. My biological father was absent for most of my life and when he wasn't he was beating me like nobody ever deserves to be beaten for like...not understanding math. My mother was abusive too physically and emotionally. She was an addict. For a long time I wanted to hate her, as an adult I empathize with her deeply. She still isn't a good person, she's still trapped in her mezzanine. She still hurts people I love very much. My siblings feel more like my children than hers a lot of the time. Then there is my god father, who swears to the heavens and back that he gave me the best of heart but I know otherwise. He was emotionally and verbally abusive. Very volatile man. He did love me. But it was broken, ego driven love. So it mostly brought me more harm than good. BUT there is no hate in my heart for any of these niggas, know why? Shadow work.
There is no room for hate, in the human heart space. No negative emotion should be allowed to pitch a tent there. You will smother, suffocate and kill your light/ yourself. Metaphysical death. Some people call it the sunken place. I been there too, unfortunately. But this, this meta death is like being trapped in the mezzanine of your own soul. Shit is just happening to you. You have no control or autonomy. You are nothing more than a mere audience member watching yourself pin ball from one vice to the next. Reliving the same cycles. More detached every time. I am going to assume that since you are reading this, you do not want this to happen.
You need to cleanse babe. Your light is important. It keeps you alive. You are here for a reason, you just can't remember. I'm gonna teach you about that too. People love saying "I did not ask to be born!" and they did. So did you, or you would not be here. Being human is an honor. We are here to make shit better. So, Think about what it is you want to let go of. Journal about it so you can really get into the world of the wound and understand it. Be brave and know that if don't nobody else has your back, like no other humans, your guides always do. If you don't know who they are let me know. I got a guy for that, aha. But! For the full moon ritual you're going to do you will need this:
1 red candle/for Papa Llegba
1 White Candle/ for yourself; cleansing
1 Yellow Candle/ for Oshun
3 Pennies, rum or candy and some toys if you have any, These are for Papa Llegba. He is the gatekeeper. He opens the gate so that you can speak to other guides/Orisha
1 Orange and some honey. These are for Oshun. She is the Orisha of love and she is also a fierce and compassionate protector. Once she shape shifted into a peacock and then a vulture to fly all the way to heavens to ask the creator, Olodumare, for forgiveness on behalf of all Orisha. When I pray to her, I ask her to do the same for me. Make sure you taste the honey! Hers was poisoned once.
Bay leaves + crystals if you have them. Make a circle around your candles for psychic protection.
At sunset ( or after midnight when the veil in thinner), write down everything you want to release. All outdated and false narratives. All people places and things you wish to release attachment to. You will burn this in the white candle. But not before you make your offering to Papa Llegba to thank him for opening the gate for you. I always say: Papa Llegba , Antibon Llegba please open the gate for me. So that the other Orisha may hear my prayers. Then pray to Oshun directly. Burn a bay leaf on her candle at the end. Burn one on Papas too when your ritual is done. This should be done outside under Mama Moon if you can. If you do it inside, be sure to crack a window so the negative stuff has a place to exit. Thank you for reading tonight and sorry for the delay. I started writing this two days ago actually and my shadow was like "My nigga while you're here, pull up a chair! Lets chat. ", so forgive me please. :)
I hope you all enjoyed the holiday <3
P.S - The Five Cups . We must understand sometimes, that we are not as limited as we think. Things have passed, blessings are coming but this unprocessed emotional is weighing on us. We need to learn to move on and let go if we want to succeed and stay aligned with what we hold highest in our hearts. Pray to your guides, Papa, and Oshun and your higher self to help you do this. You can even use your favorite color instead of white. DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO RELEASE/CUT TIES , sing it out, cry, dance, get active. Let yourself fully process. It's okay if it takes time, but it's important to begin now.
Let me know how it goes ?