I feel a deep push to share today’s dream journal session, so I will.

8.25.2026

7:46 a.m. - 8:49 a.m.

<<hour of The Sun into the hour of Venus>>

I am frustrated because I am not able to remember my dreams as well since the snake bite dream that <redacted> was in.

I feel I must speak up or my mental health will continue to decline. Lack of dream memory is a symptom or signal that I am not doing as well as I want to believe.

I mean, I remember dreaming. Floating over a city at night.

a quick sketch to preserve the memory. In real time it feels much busier and quiet at the same time. I am much higher up. many more buildings and highways.

Lots of lights and winding highways. I can’t remember enough details to remember if it was STL (my hometown). I don’t think so. I remember the like stadium game place under he highways too, but that was a different dream. That’s is downtown STL, for sure. It is always day time in those dreams. I wonder if I should try and find that spot in real life downtown. Now, even though I don’t think I was there last night I am remembering the dreams that combine different downtowns I’ve been to into one place in the dreamscape that has my old Springfield apartment.

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Last night, I remember driving too. I had another driving dream where I am trying to get out of Dellwood, but I keep winding up back on the road that’ll take me back to the house on Dellridge Lane, where I lived with my biological father and his other family and my brother for about four years as a child. I’ve painted it before.

101044 Dellridge Lane , sold

What if I am not supposed to get out yet, and my fear of returning is disrupting a process that needs to happen. What happens if I surrender? Release control and let the car take me back to the house? Should I?? Or maybe I should study a map of the area in real life or the map of the wound while I’m awake and then when I have the dream again, a new route will reveal itself. The radio is never on in the car. What would happen if I turned it on? What song might play? Would it be a helpful guide or a distraction. A distraction can still be a guide I guess. Right now I am not sure.

I do not like these dreams or how I feel when I wake up from them. But they have been reoccurring for years. Maybe looking at a photo of the house now would help, like when I looked up Nanny’s old house. It made me feel time and I could let go a bit.

It looked so different inside.

Daesha's backyard.

These places are all places my Little Snake, my innocence got squished or killed, erased/suppressed...abused. Or sometimes where I felt a little safer, I return to Daesha's backyard a lot in dreams. Daesha is my cousin but we lost contact due to my illness and inability to calmy communicate boundaries in 2021. Sometimes I dream just sitting in her and her sister Nikki's old room, even if there are not there. I was mean to Nikki too, when I first came out at transgender. She forgot so quickly and I lashed out. If either of them ever read this I'd like for them to know: I am sorry I was mean. A Very Bad Thing Happened and I couldn't talk about it because I could not reach the memories of you all being safe people. I should have given you both more grace. Thank you for being my safety when we were little things, mommy was scary and dad was gone. Even now, I'm always looking for that.

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Maybe Little Snake is trying to show/say to me: "I know you are afraid of a loss of control, but that will happen again (in a destructive way) if you let yourself forget me again. So I won't let you forget me. I will not let you look away. I will keep biting you and taking you places and showing you memories until you tell them I am here too!"Very well, Little Snake. Very well, I could never forget you again. Thank you, I love you.

This section was a drawing first. A lot of the locations or dream sequences I am finally understanding now began unraveling themselves in Spring 2019, just as I was preparing to move to Portland Oregon. I painted 10144 Dellridge Lane on a gifted/thrifted canvas from a fellow musician named Ashi Danca in the winter of 2020. Little Snake was hissin' then, I could not understand the meaning! Good things take time.

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I am not sure what the open stadium dreams mean. We're all just hanging out waiting for something to start.

The night before last I dreamt of children and the school looked very outdoorsy. Remember the log ride and the school that was lowkey on a frozen lake dream? Are those the same place but different seasons?

Even now, it is difficult to focus on this journal entry without all the looping thoughts starting about <<redacted>> and all the shit he does not see about the harm he did.

I will set a new boundary today. I am not wanting to be touched at all. It is not my job to micromanage a man's ability to absorb the truth I can only say it.

Thank you Big Hawk for guidance.

Thank you Little Snake for your biting,

Thank you God Ala for waking me up and letting us remember.

Thank you brain, thank you body, thank you soul.

For carrying all my stories.

I do believe it is time to release some and integrate the rest.

But how?

hmmm...what does it look like to completely decenter <<redacted>> feelings and expectations as well as your compulsion to hide to maintain safety?

Do that, probably.

Its time to come out all these basements.

I do remember in the last three nights, wandering around the basement of my real dads house, the one on Dellridge Lane. All the lights are off each time, except in the tv area. Just like in my most recent dream of Daimon's Basement. I will sit there the same as I did. After I did that in Daimon's (really Nanny's) basement, I don't get trapped there anymore. I can come and go as I please.

Did you know the hyacinth bean flower can be used in dream and protection magick? Mind your blood, the land and their/your spirits of course. But I thought this might be a helpful tip for those moving through scary bits of themselves, like me.

~ Daalụ, Wẹdó.

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